Journey to Ixtlan

I wrote this essay during my last semester of undergrad in response to a book I had read in my “Religious Experience” class(“Journey to Ixtlan” by Carlos Castaneda. I was brought back to this amid a conversation with a friend earlier today; as we see our world in one of the saddest states its ever been, one can only wonder “why?” The culmination of my personal experiences and reading this novel has given me a bit of insight as to why this may be…

Many of us are raised to believe that we are inexplicably “unique” in comparison to others– that we possess certain hobbies, traits, physical attributes, feelings, etc. that make us greater or lesser than others. Perhaps this can be attributed to living in a society which places its value on science as opposed to myth, self-importance as opposed to togetherness, and death as a tragedy as opposed to part of “life” or so to speak. People get so wrapped up in their day-to-day routines and go crazy if something comes along and knocks them off-track. This was the case for Carlos Castaneda, a young anthropology student in pursuit of furthering his research on psychotropic plants. Castaneda is referred to an old Yaqui Indian, Don Juan, by a friend in an attempt to help him with his plant research, but what he ends up learning from this man is way more than about just plants; Don Juan takes Castaneda on a spiritual journey that causes him to question everything about life as he once knew it. Castaneda’s book, “A Journey To Ixtlan,” speaks of his spiritual journey in which he is taught an alternative way of living and thinking— a way that places strong emphasis on losing self-importance and learning to be “of” the world instead of simply being “in” it.

In the beginning of the book when Castaneda first encounters Don Juan in hopes of learning more about psychotropic plants from this man, he tries to offer him money for what he believes Don Juan is going to teach him but is met with an unexpected response when Don Juan says “Pay me for my time…with your time.”(p. 7) Castaneda, still in his “scientific” state of mind finds this extremely peculiar. Don Juan also laughs at him when he begins to take notes and write things down; at this point Castaneda believes he can know the world by documenting and quantifying it, but soon after (with the help of Don Juan) realizes an alternative way to looking at the world. Don Juan takes Castaneda on a ten-year journey into this alternate reality, where he is urged to forget everything he once knew about the world and even himself in order to live a more meaningful life; in broad terms, he is taught to erase his personal history, forget about his self-importance, forget routine, and to walk lighter. Don Juan states:

Little by little you must create a fog around yourself; you must erase everything around

you until nothing can be taken for granted, until nothing is any longer for sure, or real.

Your problem now is that you’re too real. Your endeavors are too real; Your moods are

too real. Don’t take thing so for granted. You must begin to erase yourself.” (33)

Along with this, Don Juan also highlights the importance of living knowing that death is always lurking at our footsteps. Although at first Castaneda rejects many of these ideas that seem so foreign to him, over time through a multitude of tests, trials, and experiences he begins to see the value in Don Juan’s teachings.

Castaneda’s journey into this alternate reality can truly be deemed a “religious” experience, for what he is taught focuses primarily on “feeling” the world, knowing that everything is equal, and understanding that there are many mysteries of the world that don’t always have to have an answer—not everything has to have a purpose or needs to be put into logical terminology. One of Don Juan’s main teachings is that you can better be a part of the world simply by “feeling” it and not doing than doing. Through his Journey, Castaneda has a few trademark “religious” experiences that go against his traditional, logical way of thinking. In chapter four, Don Juan tells Castaneda to look deeply into his eyes where he is reminded of a Falcon—something that Castaneda used to hunt as a child. Upon this encounter, with much probing from Don Juan, Castaneda is brought back to a time in his childhood where his grandfather had him go after an albino Falcon that had stolen some Leghorn chickens from them; after a two month chase with the intelligent falcon, he finally is given the perfect opportunity to shoot it, but something in him caused him to just walk away. This memory that Don Juan seemed to have known about freaks out Castaneda and when he asks him what it means Don Juan replies “Your death gave you a little warning, it always comes as a chill.” (33) This is perhaps the first time Castaneda experiences something “religious”, and where he is taught to always carry death as a companion.

The experiences Castaneda has towards the end of his journey though are arguably the most signifying. One of these instances occurs when he has ventured into the mountains and encounters a big black beetle; he begins to think about the differences in his world and the beetles world and then comes to the conclusion that him and the beetle are equal due to the fact that “death, like a shadow, was stalking us both from behind the boulder.”(249) In this moment, Castaneda truly realizes, although it doesn’t make sense to the “logical” mind, the thing that Don Juan has been trying to teach him all along—that no one is better than anyone else or any other creature; we are all equal. The excitement Castaneda experiences upon this encounter humbles him and brings him to tears. Shortly after this, Castaneda comes in contact with a coyote. When the coyote comes up to him without fear, Castaneda begins to talk to it, and it “talks” back to him, and bilingually at that! After looking deeply into the coyote’s eyes, Castaneda begins to see the coyote glow. He states “It’s luminosity was dazzling, I wanted to cover my eyes with my hands to protect them, but I could not move. The luminous being touched me in some undefined part of myself and my body experienced such an exquisite indescribable warmth and well-being that it was as if the touch had made me explode.” (252) Evidently, what Castaneda experienced at this moment is far too beautiful to even describe with words—a religious experience. After explaining his encounter to Don Juan, Castaneda comes to the conclusion that he has “stopped the world” for the very first time—he has realized to be “of” the world. Castaneda explains to Don Juan that “the events of the last three days had done some irreparable damage to my idea of the world.” (256)

These experiences mark a huge turning point in Castaneda’s journey. So big in fact that there is only one more test he must pass in order to be a sorcerer and on the same level as Don Juan. Despite everything he has gained along the way though, Castaneda decides not to go through with the final test claiming that it not yet his time, for doing so would put him in a completely alternate reality. I have to say that I truly respect Castaneda for choosing to do this, and it shows that he has taken in many of the things that he has learned through his journey, like not doing something because he feels pressured by the rest of the world and “feeling” what is right instead. I think that the journey Castaneda was taken on by Don Juan was amazing and if the rest of the world could begin to think this way even just a little bit the world could be a much more peaceful place. If I were even given the opportunity to learn how to view the world this way, I would drop everything and do it. The lessons that Don Juan has to share lead to a much more meaningful and connected existence.

Hitting Rock Bottom

This kind of goes hand-in-hand with my last post, but I feel like it’s been such a recurring theme in my life that I’d like to elaborate on it more. I think it’s safe to say that more often than not, we find ourselves in dark places. What is a “dark place” to one is subjective depending on their circumstances, but every single human being has been here at least once in their life. Often we are faced with adversity in the least convenient of times, and it seems like one thing after another happens until we are left with what feels like nothing; OR, adversity can hit harder than ever just when we finally think things are about to be better. Either way, this can be extremely discouraging and difficult to crawl our way out of. In some cases these adverse circumstances will lead people through a vicious cycle of anxiety, depression and self-destruction. (drugs, alcohol, etc.) And in rare cases, very resilient human beings rise above their circumstances quickly. But most of the time, it will be a bit of both; people will experience a bit of anxiety about the situation and then eventually figure out what they need to do to live with it or improve it. When the person finally learns to overcome whatever negative situation they have been dealt, she/he will come out a stronger and more resilient individual, and will come out having acquired knowledge deriving from the lesson she/he was taught during these tough times.

As cliché as it sounds, when it rains, it pours. Your car broke down? You best believe it’s no surprise that in the same day you lost your wallet, dropped your groceries, AND got in the biggest fight of your life with your boyfriend/girlfriend. You think to yourself “WHAT ELSE?!??!”, and then just as you’re about to cook dinner, the power goes out. We’ve all had days like this. Sometimes even weeks or whole months like this. It is inevitable to experience times like this throughout your crazy journey in life and once you learn to gracefully accept the negativity that comes your way instead of fighting it, life will become a lot more enjoyable, and the energy you put forth will manifest into every aspect of your life. Instead of trying to fight and manipulate the adversity that comes your way, learn to realize that it is happening for a reason, even though you may not figure out the reason for quite some time. Understand that every little thing that has happened to you (good and bad) in the past, has led you to this exact moment, and whatever you are dealing with right now will continue to shape you into the person you are meant to be. Accept the natural course of the universe; everything that is meant to be yours, will be yours eventually. The universes timing and purpose is impeccable.

When I moved to Los Angeles back in June, I thought life would be easier moving from such a hectic place as NYC, but oh was I wrong. Since I’ve moved here, I have been tested by the universe in just about every way one could imagine. Perhaps the worst situation that I have been faced with while here is when I woke up one morning to my car window broken and EVERYTHING valuable to me being stolen out of my car; to make matters worse, this occurred when I was in the middle of moving into my new apartment. Whenever I had been faced with a situation like this in NYC, I had my parents an hour away to help me out with whatever happened. But this time, I was on my own. Of course I freaked out for a bit, but I quickly realized that I could either sit there moping around or take matters into my own hands. I figured out how to do things that I never would have known how to do unless I was in this situation and in turn this made me stronger and more apt to deal with adverse situations in the future. Although this is an example of a less-serious situation, it just goes to show that every negative circumstance you are put in teaches you something to make you stronger in some aspect. When it feels as if you have hit rock bottom, you can either let it consume you or just accept the challenge and let it sculpt you into a stronger human being. When you’ve hit a new low you must tell yourself “The only way to go from here is up!”

Stepping out of your comfort zone

One thing thatI have learned over the years is that in order to grow both mentally and spiritually, you have to leave your comfort zone and do things that scare you/make you uncomfortable. This could mean something as simple as meeting a someone new for coffee, or something as complicated as going to live in a new country– anything that gives you the butterflies upon thinking of it. My therapist actually told me to let your anxiety be your friend instead of a burden that holds you back. Most times when you are anxious about something and then you conquer that thing, you come out having acquired something new, which ultimately builds your confidence and makes you stronger. And often times doing that that thing will not always be a wonderful experience– in fact, many times it will be quite the opposite,  but at the end of the day you can sleep with the fact that you tried, and that is so healthy.

In most of these situations of chasing your anxiety and trying new things, there will be a period of time that you experience extreme discomfort before you actually learn to appreciate what’s happening– just think about it; when you’re going on a first date, it is inevitably going to be a bit awkward at first, and then you will end up either really liking the person or despising the person (or something in between.) BUT at the end of the date, you have a better idea about what you do and don’t like in a potential spouse.

When it comes to doing this in my own life, i’d say that i’ve gotten pretty good at chasing down my anxiety and taking risks. For example, one of the biggest risks I have ever taken ended up being the best decision I have ever made and brought the most amazing opportunities into my life. During my sophomore year at college, I was attending school at a community college about 20minutes away from my parents house where I was currently living. My initial plan was to finish up one more semester, obtain my associates degree, and then get my bachelor’s degree at another upstate NY school not far from my parents house. Sometime during my second to last semester at OCCC, i randomly decided to apply to Hunter College, almost as a joke, if you will. For living in big, scary NYC was the last thing I had ever dreamed of. The application was super easy, so I just applied on a whim and pretty much forgot about it until I received an email one day informing me that I had been accepted! I was shocked, given Hunter’s good reputation, and my lack of confidence in my academic abilities. I had been doing very well at OCCC, but I still vastly lacked confidence being that school never really meant anything to me up until that point. I remember talking to my therapist about it and he kept telling me I should just go for it; he said going to another school upstate would leave me in a place I had already been comfortable in for so long. “Take the risk, leave your comfort zone.” Those are words of advice that I will never, ever forget.

So, before I knew it, I was a full-time resident of NYC! Before this, I had struggled with social anxiety for awhile, but when I was offered a waitressing/bartending job by my new place, I was quickly forced to break out of my shell, leading to meeting some of the most amazing people in the world and developing friendships I can foresee lasting a lifetime. In addition to this, I got scouted to model upon first moving to the city, which through many ups and downs has led me to what I am doing with my life right now as a full-time model (with a college degree!!) Just like the waitressing job, modeling forced me to break out of my shell, and in turn  I have ended up meeting and working with some of the most innovative and creative minds out there.

Though none of this was easy, and my journey has been filled with many failures and pitfalls. When I first moved to NYC, it was a lot to get used to, and I became depressed, and there were so many times when I just wanted to leave it all behind. But I stuck it out and stayed there for 3 years modeling, being a full-time student, and working a side job. All of this has led to so much growth for me in every aspect of my life, and has made me more confident in an array of ways. This is due to the fact that I conquered things that I never thought were humanly possible for myself. I have met so many amazing souls that have all taught me a lesson in one way or another. I was actually inspired to write this due to the fact that about a month ago, upon finishing my bachelors at Hunter, i decided to try my hand in modeling in LA, which is yet another huge risk. I am currently going through the various ups and downs, and god has it been hard to leave my family and the life I’ve made in NY, but looking back on my life, I know that if i stick it out through this rough patch, i will leave here a stronger and more confident person; I will learn new things about myself and about other people and what I want in life, and that will lead me one step closer to fulfilling whatever my life purpose may come to be.~~

An odd job

For as long as I can remember, I have been extremely insecure about how I look — whether it be the pimple on my forehead, the little bit of extra fat around my hips, I even feel insecure about my eyelashes sometimes! It is extremely evident that thinking all of these negative thoughts takes a huge toll on my cognitive functioning and ultimately ends up taking space where there could be positive, happy, and inspirational thoughts. I think it’s easy to get wrapped up in your own head and think that you are the only one who feels this way about yourself, but that could not be farther from the truth. Living in a society that is constantly telling people (especially young women) that they have to look a certain way in order to be desired is so very detrimental to these young minds, and has a negative effect even on the most physically attractive people in the world — in fact, it seems these people are affected the most. Being in the modeling industry for a few years now has shed light on this enormously for me. Before modeling, I had my insecurities, but undertaking this profession as a full-time job has only exemplified them and made me more insecure. Many people probably think “Oh, if I only looked like that girl/boy in the magazines I wouldn’t ever have to worry about feeling insecure.” But, from personal experience and having many friends in the industry, I have learned that models are some of the most insecure and unhappy people you will ever meet. Yeah, sure, they may have tons of instagram followers and post pictures of all the cool things they do, but that is just a minuscule part of their lives you are seeing– social media is a place where people only post the good things that happen to them. With that said, when ones income relies solely on how their skin, hair, body, etc. looks, it is no wonder so many of them are so insecure. In addition to this, work is inconsistent and we are constantly comparing ourselves to other beautiful models. Oh! and being rejected most of the time at auditions. It’s truly a shame because most of these girls I know are not only physically beautiful, but also have beautiful minds and souls, something that so many lose sight of in this industry. When I am hanging out with my friends who are models, I feel like too much time is spent trying to lift each other up because we are all so insecure and unsure of ourselves, in every aspect. This industry is a breeding ground for anxiety, depression, and self-doubt. In fact, when I started modeling and was told to lose weight, clear my skin, etc. I spiraled down into deep depression and anxiety and it was honestly one of the darkest periods of my life. I am still learning how to cope with everything, and it’s still an up and down process, but to me it is worth it because to be in front of the camera to me is an outlet and form of expression– an undying passion. But I will leave it on this note,next time you take a look at that model in your favorite magazine and think “If only I were her!!!!” Think again. Happiness comes from within– the conversations you have, the relationships you build, your passions, the things that make you smile, and your beautiful, unique experiences.

xx

 

 

First blog post

This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.