As December nears end and yet another year comes to a halt too fast, many of us begin to reflect.
Are we better or worse off than we were in the beginning of the year?
Did we fulfill our goals?
Which relationships ended and which began?
As human beings we are intrinsically hard on ourselves. We are our own worst critics. And many of us tend to focus on the negative instead of the positive. With this being said, many of us will look back on the year with discontent. We will harp on all of the things that we didn’t achieve instead of focusing on our victories– big and small. I am guilty of doing this too. So when I first began reminiscing on 2018 I was filled with disappointment towards myself, but when I really started to think about it, different feelings arose.
Some of my victories didn’t feel like victories at the time, when in reality, they were some of my biggest accomplishments to date. And I will no longer downplay them and act as if they meant nothing, because we ALL deserve to feel proud of ourselves sometimes.
2018 was a year of awareness– the year when I realized it was essential to cut certain things out of my life in order to grown, knowing that if I didn’t take control I would remain stagnant.
It was a year of action– a year of taking the necessary steps to get myself out of the dark hole I had dug myself into and remained for so long.
A year of vulnerability– putting myself out there, putting my pain out there. Doing things that made me feel extremely uncomfortable at first, but helped me grow and heal in the long run. It was opening myself up to people and putting everything on the line, and in turn developing some of the most deep and meaningful relationships of my life.
A year of pain– perhaps the most painful year yet. A year of hitting rock bottom on multiple occasions, feeling like I couldn’t go on for another second, but still continuing to pick myself up and get my shit together time and time again.
A year of learning how to feel again. This year I learned it’s okay to just sit and feel what I feel and not have to conceptualize or judge it. It was a year of crying… of lots and lots of crying. of learning that no matter what I feel, it is all just fleeting, and I will always come out okay. I will always come out stronger. That it is beautiful and absolutely essential to feel and to not run away from it. That this is the only way to grow.
And lastly, a year of serenity. of learning that things will work out how how they are meant to work out, even if it’s not what you had planned. even if everything seems chaotic. a year of slowly learning to be gentle with myself and with others. of accepting that life is filled with both highs and lows, and that is inevitable. of being at peace with the chaos, of knowing it’s okay to lean on others when life is too much to bear. finding peace in all of this.
I have not perfected any of this–am only just beginning to scratch the service. These things may not have anything to do with “material” or “wealth,” which is why I think it is hard to accept it as “success” living in this society. But more and more I am learning to realize that inner peace and happiness are truly the most beautifully genuine gifts to have in your possession, for nothing else on the outside matters if you do not have this.
I have already written out a long list of my goals for 2019, and yes, some of them I’ll admit are materialistic because hey, i’m just a human! But this year I will be gentle with myself and always remind myself of what goals I really should be focusing on, and which ones will only bring me temporary happiness.
This year I will continue to work on achieving inner peace and overcoming the demons that my mental health issues plague me with. I will work on being kind and giving to others in the ways that I can. I will work on loving and accepting who I am and living in gratitude despite whatever life throws at me. 2019.
Nicole Zimmermann 