It’s hard to say where it all went wrong in my many years of drinking and occasional using. I guess at one point it just made the switch from “fun” to problematic, slowly developing a dark and insidious undertone. As a young child, I always felt awkward. I always felt anxious. I always wanted to be somebody else and I did just about anything to fit in. There was quite a bit of chaos around me growing up, so I learned to leave my body at a very early age, developing dissociative anxiety disorder amongst other mental ailments. I remember being like 7 years old and not even being able to look in the mirror because I felt so disconnected from my own reflection. With that said, it makes perfect sense as to why alcohol was so appealing to me from the get go. I took my first drink at the ripe age of 12 and it immediately brought me a sense of relief; a quick fix to finally feeling normal in the beautiful mess of my own skin.
I rolled with it for awhile, always surrounding myself with people who drank and used. I went through a pill phase, went through an ecstasy phase, went through a coke phase. Throughout all my phases alcohol was always my rock. When I drank/used, I could finally leave the messiness of my body, I could finally leave my body, I could enter an alternate reality in which I finally felt “normal.” And when I drank, I hit the bottle hard. My friends in high school used to call me “couch girl” (which was funny at the time but now seems pretty dark..)because every time I drank I would black out and then pass out. I thought blacking out every time I drank was normal. Often times I would wake up having NO idea how or when I got to where I was. I was constantly getting myself into troubled situations. Fast forward a few years into my early twenties, and I was still drinking like this. I was always having to be taken care of, which isn’t that cute anymore when you’re in your twenties. So, I started drinking alone. I would start my drinking in the afternoon and continue into the evening. Most of the time I kept a bottle in both my car and my fridge and would take shots before doing anything that gave me the LEAST bit of anxiety, like meeting up with a friend, or going food shopping, or going to an audition. I woke up most mornings hating myself and filled with so much anxiety; I would promise myself that I would stop, but I just couldn’t. Alcohol was my clutch. It was the only way I knew how to exist in this world.On the outside, my life looked amazing– I was modeling full-time, going to “cool” parties, and always out and about, but inside I was deeply unhappy and really just didn’t know how to go through life on life’s terms… I was merely existing, living in the land of the dead.
In April of 2018, I hit a bottom and although I was already actively attempting to get sober, it was brought to my attention just how serious this disease was. It was at this point that I really dove into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous but even still, it took me months following this incident to actually stick with it and stay sober. But by some miracle and the grace of God, it finally stuck. The first couple of months were hellish; I felt like a stranger to the world and to myself. Everything hurt– everything was raw. Feelings that had been stuffed down for my entire life started to surface and I just had to like, DEAL with them. I was moody, irritable, and impatient. Most days I just wanted to crawl into a hole and neverrr come out. But with all of that said, I knew NOTHING was as bad as the hell I was living in when I was still drinking and using, and that’s what kept me going. I wanted to feel alive again. I wanted to be free again. I wanted to learn how to live my life again, no matter what it took.
So here I am at two years sober, and it’s still not always easy, but my God is it beautiful. The life I have discovered in recovery is one of immense abundance, of growth and self-discovery, of serenity and acceptance, of meaningful relationships, and most importantly, of self-love. Here are some of the most important things I’ve learned in my sobriety:
- It’s okay to not be okay…okay?!
But seriously, your mental state at the present moment isn’t who you are as a person. The adversity you are facing does not have to define you. If you are struggling with something, that’s OKAY! (welcome to the club!!!) You have worth and potential to change and grow no matter what has happened to you or what you have done in the past. Getting sober has helped me to be at peace with where I am right now, even if it’s not where I feel like I “should” be. Pain is absolutely necessary to shape you into the person you are meant to be and remember, you are exactly where you need to be
2) Emotions are WEIRD.
My first couple months in sobriety were extremely daunting for many reasons, but mainly due to the fact that all of my emotions I had shoved away for so many years of my life came flooding in at once. I used alcohol to numb away the discomfort and pain of so many things that had happened throughout my life; I used alcohol to disconnect from my true self. So when I decided to remove it, I was a fucking mess. I think I cried for like a month straight. I felt anger, I felt guilt, I felt sadness, I felt resentment towards myself and towards others, I felt awkward and uncomfortable; I wanted to rip off my own skin and hide. But feeling these things is what we must do as humans, and although it still is not easy, I am more at peace with the emotions that come up. I am learning to view them as necessary and fleeting. When I feel sadness, I can now welcome it with open arms and offer myself some compassion. I know that it will not kill me, and I know that I will not feel that way forever and same goes for all the other emotions. And even though I have felt many negative emotions come up I have also felt the most joy and happiness I have ever felt in my life, and not fake happiness… real, raw, all-consuming gratitude and love, which is by far one of the most beautiful aspects of being sober. I am now at a place where my good days far outweigh the bad, and I am infinitely grateful for being able to feel everything so deeply.
3) Meditation, meditation, MEDITATION!!!
There is something that helps me to better handle and accept the ever-changing emotions that arise within me, and that is meditation. By meditating, I am able to connect with myself. I am able to get quiet and accept whatever it is that is running through my head. It is easy to let everyday stressors bring you to a state of mental chaos, but if you can train yourself to return to your breath in these moments, I can guarantee you will immediately feel better and realize that it’s really not as bad as you are making it out to be. I am someone who overthinks and overanalyzes literally EVERYTHING that happens to me, but when I take the time to get quiet with myself I realize it’s all in my head; FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS! The power of meditation is something that was taught to me early on in my sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I now have made it a habit to meditate for at least 20 minutes every morning, and it has changed my life in so many incredible ways. If you are struggling with meditating, just be gentle with yourself. Even if you start with just a couple of minutes everyday, you can build your practice slowly. There are tons of apps you can download that will guide you and make it easier to get into.
4) ADULTING.(ew)
Oh, the ever dreaded task(s) of being an adult– something we used to dream about when we were little only to have our dreams and hopes crushed by the stark reality of what “adulthood” actually entails: BILLS, cleaning, taxes, jobs, relationships, responsibilities, etc. etc. (I could really go on forever). Anyways, adulting was something I literally COULD NOT handle when I was drinking all the time; I would call up my mom or my boyfriend crying about doing things like taxes or going to the DMV, etc. Sometimes these things would stress me out so much, that I would just say “fuck it” and decide to drink or smoke my stress away and not even end up doing the task at hand. And when I say “sometimes” I actually mean all the time. Now without that clutch and the new tools I have acquired, I am able to handle things more maturely. Sometimes ya just gotta sit with the pain and uncomfortability of doing things you don’t want to do and after you realize it doesn’t kill you, it makes doing it the next time around way easier. Life and adulthood has not become easier by any means, but it has become more manageable and certain tasks no longer feel like the world is coming to an end!
5) Deepening of Relationships
This is perhaps the coolest part of sobriety for me so far, being able to be fully engaged and present in my relationships and just people in general. When you are under the influence of something it’s difficult to experience real human connection; it’s difficult to let the beautiful, light-filled being that you are, be seen. Therefore, it is hard to build genuine relationships with people, and some of the people you attract may not be the healthiest for you. Since I have cut alcohol and substances out of my life, I have allowed the room for the most incredible, inspiring people to enter my life. I have also strengthened the relationships that were already present in my life. My circle consists of so much love, support and positive energy, from my coaches and mentors to my friends, family, and boyfriend. Sure, I have lost a few people on my road to recovery, but if we’re being honest… I don’t really miss a single one, because those relationships weren’t REAL and they didn’t lift me up and allow me to be my best self. I’m so grateful for my people right now, and I attribute all of it to my sobriety.
6) Life is actually more fun!
This is a question I get asked a lot: “Do you still have a good time when you go out?” And the answer is YES. yes yes yes yes yes x a million. When I first decided to get sober I asked myself the SAME exact question. I wondered how I would ever be able to enjoy myself at a party or event, how I would be able to handle going out to dinner without a glass of wine. I struggle with social anxiety so it seemed impossible to me. At first, I had to sacrifice certain situations in which I would normally drink because the temptation was still too strong, but eventually I began to go out again and I realized how much better it actually is. And yes, I still am socially anxious.. and yes, I am still awkward as shit, but I am not going to let that stop me from going out and enjoying myself! I used to blackout every time I would go out partying or even at simple things like dinner, so was I ever really having fun in the first place? Being able to go out sober now is amazing because instead of making a fool out of myself and being hungover for days to follow, I can actually be PRESENT and take in everything around me, the sounds, the smells, the sights, the human connection. If you are struggling with this right now, I promise it gets easier.
7) Self-discovery
If you’ve spent years of your life drinking or using there’s a good chance you’ve become pretty disconnected from your true being. When you make the choice to stop you may be like…what now? Instead of allowing all of this new space and energy to scare you, let it excite you! Yes, it is extremely challenging to let go of old parts of yourself, no matter how destructive they were but where one door closes, a better one is opening up. Take this time in early sobriety to find new hobbies and new productive ways to spend your free time. My life has expanded exponentially since getting sober; I have reconnected with my creativity again and went back to school to follow my dreams. A couple of things I did in early sobriety to fill my free time were taking a painting class, buying a film camera, spending lots of time in nature, and lots of time meditating. Remember– be patient! Your passions are not going to come to you over-night. It’s fun to just try different things out and get reacquainted with your beautiful self. The future isn’t scary, it’s EXCITING! You are on the right path and everything will work out how it is meant to in due time. 🙂
8) I am learning to be more vulnerable.
I spent so many years of my life building up walls and hiding all of the dark parts of myself; I was lying to myself and I was lying to others. I had a fear of building meaningful relationships built upon another fear of being left and abandoned. I didn’t want to share my problems because I thought it would scare people off. In short, to me, vulnerability equated to weakness. Although this is something I still struggle with, I am discovering that being vulnerable is in fact one of the strongest things you can do as a human being. To share your story not only helps you, but it helps others who can learn from your pain. You can only achieve greatness if you are willing to be vulnerable– if you are willing to put yourself out there despite the consequences, willing to fail. Of course in your vulnerability people may run away, and you may not get the result that you wanted, but it is much better than keeping everything pent up inside of you. The right ones will stick around and lift you up through your darkness. I would have never gotten better if I didn’t open up and admit I had a problem and shared my demons. The most beautiful part about vulnerability is seeing how it helps others to learn and grow and become vulnerable themselves.
9)There’s something bigger out there..
I’ve seen some of the most incredible turnarounds in AA: people who were seriously in helpless conditions who now have the most full, beautiful lives and are surrounded by boundless love. Addiction is a powerful disease that leaves one powerless over their lives and decisions, and the only explanation for these miraculous turnarounds has to be something greater than us (in my personal opinion). I have found life to be easier with prayer and being able to turn over my problems to my higher power. With this, I see miracles happening within me and around me every single day. I find myself most connected to my higher power when I am in nature– by the sea, in a forest, looking at the stars. Your higher power can literally be whatever you want it to be– whatever you feel most connected to. I’m not here by any means to try and force you to believe in anything, because at the end of the day your relationship with a higher power is completely subjective, and is only up to you. But in my experience, developing this relationship has changed every aspect of my life in positive ways, and for this I am filled with so much gratitude.
Nicole Zimmermann 